News India Times

www.newsindiatimes.com – that’s all you need to know Divorced Desi Woman Worries About Talking About Her Dating Life My Partner Ignored A Friend’s Racist Joke. Is Our Relationship Toast? Q : Every year, my partner’s family goes on vacation to a location that’s extremelyWhite – I’m talking like 5 people of color per 100 people. Oftentimes, as the only POC, the beach town can feel isolating because everyone already knows each other, knows the same people, grew up in the same area and has similar upbringings (upper-mid- dle class, White and from the Northeast). When we go out to town, I’ve heard people say wildly racist things in public. And recently, someone close to my part- ner made a joke that was clearly derogato- ry toward South Asians. As the only South Asian in the group, I immediately clocked it, but my partner didn’t even bother to call this family friend out on it or correct him. I’ve expressed my dismay to my part- ner about it and am worried that if we end up having children together, they’ll feel the same way I do when we go on vacation to this location: isolated and alone. I am interested in raising my children in a diverse area with other South Asians, so they can be exposed to my culture and interact with people of similar back- grounds. My partner, however, would pre- fer to live near his parents and family – a place where there are few POC in general. At the beginning of our relationship, my partner seemed accepting of my culture and was open to trying the food, watching Bollywood movies together and asking questions. Now, I feel as if he’s done a 180 and isn’t receptive to the possibility of even having children with ‘ethnic’ names or raising them in a diverse area. I’ve told him I am happy to attend his yearly vaca- tions sometimes but that I need to assert my boundaries, possibly going every other year instead. He sees this as a rejection of his own culture. However, I do regularly see both his parents, siblings and friends outside of these vacations and maintain good relationships with them. Is there a way to compromise on these fundamental issues, or is this relationship toast? –Wishing for the Best, Preparing for the Worst A: This is not just about vacations or where to live. This is about whether your partner can stand with you in difficult moments, respect your cultural needs and identity, or see the impact on your future family. He is minimizing racism by not speaking up or acknowledging your discomfort; this will inevitably create a deep rupture in your relationship, if it hasn’t already. If he sees your boundary- setting as a personal rejection, it suggests he hasn’t fully reckoned with the racial and cultural dynamics you’re naming. That’s not something that goes away on its own. What you are feeling right now is D ear Sahaj: As a divorced woman dating in my late 40s, how do I show up authentically when desi family and friends ask about it? This is a no- brainer when I speak to my non-desi friends here. …However, the thought, “What will people say” hounds me at other times. – Divorced Divorced: I wrote a book called “ButWhatWill People Say?” for a reason. I understand the implications of cul- tural judgment and how damning it can be. You are in control of how much you disclose to family and friends. Showing up authentically doesn’t mean over- sharing; it means being rooted in your truth even if you choose to share less. This might look like having a short, confident response ready, changing the subject without apology or only opening up to those who respond with curiosity, not criticism. You can even find creative ways to neutralize the conversation. You can be playful (“If they’re talking about me, at least I’m keeping the community entertained.”) or matter-of-fact (“I’m dating and getting to know new people.”) or you can be curious (“Why do you think it surprises people when women date after divorce?”). You don’t owe anyone an explanation or justifica- tion for your relationship choices. It’s tempting to keep modifying your story for acceptance, but every time you do, you subtly teach yourself that their approval matters more than your truth. Instead of playing this defensively, frame the narrative in ways that honor your path and allow you to feel ownership of your journey. This may sound like: “This stage has been freeing. I’mmaking choices that feel right for me.” Or even: “I’m figuring out what I want in partnership and life. It’s been empower- ing.” This will also let you stand firm if someone pushes by saying, “I appreciate your concern, but I’m happy with my choices.” In some cases, authenticity doesn’t mean transparency. You’re entitled to your privacy, so explore what it means for you to answer questions in a way that’s honest and self-protective, without molding yourself to their comfort or out of fear of “log kya kahenge.” Dear Sahaj: My parents are immigrants from Hong Kong and can be toxic when it comes to how I feed my family. I am a mom to a rising second grader and would like our entire family to be more plant-forward. My son likes my vegetarian-leaning meals. However, my parents constantly pester me and tell me that he isn’t “getting enough nutrition” from legumes like lentils and chickpeas. Or even tofu. Why? Because grow- ing children need to have balanced meals. I constantly remind them that Buddhists are vegan and manage to live full, healthy lives. They, on the other hand, believe that Buddhists are just “built differently.” Sorry? They’re normal humans, just like me? It’s not that they’re UNFAMILIAR with cuisines outside Cantonese and other Chinese food – I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s and was eating my fair share of North American things. It’s just that there’s not enough meat. - Plant Forward Plant Forward: What you’re dealing with isn’t really about lentils, tofu or even nutrition. Rather, it’s about deep- rooted generational beliefs. It sounds like your parents may associate meat with status, strength or abundance in some way. It’s also pos- sible they feel like you are challenging their parenting ap- proach that is rooted in a food-as-love culture. It may not be rational, but that’s why finding a way to build a bridge rather than screaming at each other on different sides of the issue may be an important approach. You want to use language that connects your shared values. This may sound like: “I agree that he needs a balanced meal! That’s why I make sure he has a variety, like grains, vegetables, fruit, beans and nuts.” You may consider acknowledging their concern so they feel heard and then offering simple, relatable reas- surance. For example, if they are constantly focusing on “nutrition,” use this as a way to educate and address their fears. This might sound like, “You keep saying he’s not getting nutrition, but what is it you are actually worried about?” They may say something about his growth or strength, and you can educate and reassure: “Lentils have iron just like beef.” Or: “These foods give him strength. Tofu and beans have the same building blocks as meat, just like how fish and pork are different but still make you strong.” Maybe there’s also a way to have your parents be in- volved in the food preparation by having them help make the lentils, so you can show them how you add flavor to it or asking them to make the soup your kid loves together – but with tofu instead of pork. You may even share with them how the pediatrician is reporting on your son’s growth and strength to help calm their nerves. And if they keep circling back, prepare a statement you can repeat to hold your boundary. This may sound like: “I know you care, and I appreciate that. I’m not changing this approach right now.” Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy. -TheWashington Post By Sahaj Kaur Kohli PHOTO:@sahajkaurkohli.com News India Times (September 6, 2025 - September 12, 2025) September 12, 2025 18 Advice Column - Continued On Page 22